“Just figure it out!” screams Jeff Bezos at underlings after hearing of man who provides overnight shipping worldwide on Christmas Eve

SEATTLE – On the heels of their most successful year yet, Amazon HQ was thrown into chaos this afternoon after CEO Jeff Bezos caught wind of a competitor potentially edging in on holiday profits.…

Canada extends U.S. border closure to totally arbitrary date of January 21

OTTAWA – The Canadian Border Services Agency has announced that the Canada-U.S. border will remain closed until January 21st, “a date with no specific significance whatsoever.” “We would li…

Report: Best way to discover embarrassing errors in company email is to click “send”

VANCOUVER – According to a new study conducted by researchers at the University of British Columbia, the most effective way for employees to uncover horrifying typos in important company-wide ema…

Porch pirate disappointed stolen package only contains COVID vaccine

TORONTO – An opportunistic thief has been let down by his latest score after lifting the unattended UPS delivery from a hospital porch. “What the hell am I going to do with this?” said Tad …

Indoor restaurant builds separate indoor restaurant on sidewalk in order to work within COVID guidelines

Barrie, ON – Local restaurants have brilliantly adapted to the new COVID guidelines by building smaller but still fully enclosed restaurants outside their original restaurant. “People are n…

Op-Ed: Dr. Jill, kiddo, a bit of advice here: drop the “Biden”

by Joe Weitzmann Madame First Lady — Dr. Jill— kiddo: a bit of advice on what may seem like a small but I think is a not unimportant matter. Drop the “Biden.” Take it from me, a white man old eno…

Legault to reinstate holiday gatherings if Quebecers promise to kiss on only one cheek

Montreal – Following backlash after cancelling holiday gatherings, Quebec Premier Francois Legault suggested that Quebecers could see friends and relatives if they swear to only kiss them o…

Trudeau using December downtime to plan out 2021 ethics violations

OTTAWA, ON – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is making the most of the slow period at work before the holidays to plan out future scandals to embroil the Liberal government for months on e…

Impoverished man doesn’t have to pay back CERB after claiming he was a profiteering corporation

OTTAWA – A self-employed man on the brink of bankruptcy no longer has to pay back his COVID relief benefits after explaining to the CRA that he already gave the $6,000 to corporate sharehol…

Report: Trump has now lost the election more times than every other Presidential candidate combined

WASHINGTON D.C. – After the Supreme Court refused to even hear Texas’ effort to overturn the results of the Presidential election, Donald Trump has now lost a presidential election more tim…