MISSISSAUGA – Local area man, Garth Fuller, is reportedly immune to COVID because “he’s outside” and therefore, is not required to wear a mask.
“It’s something with the wind,” said Garth Fuller, after wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “You can’t see viruses right? Which means they’re very small? Small things get blown away by the wind. Ipso facto, so does COVID.”
According to Fuller, the secret is that there is no secret. “It’s just fresh air,” added the man, after exhaling a big vapour cloud from his vape. “I just value it so much. Besides, think about it – what happens to water when it’s cold? It freezes. Ice is heavy right? Ipso factor, if there are COVID droplets in the air, they freeze and fall to the ground.”
Fuller, who receives all his information via instagram info-graphics, insists that since you’re outside, it’s also okay to smoke beside someone, sneeze without covering your mouth, and play a quick game of pick-up basketball. “It doesn’t matter that we’re strangers, breathing heavily in close proximity to each other – we’re outside and exercise builds immunity!”
In a series of Facebook posts, Fuller stated that it is an assault on his freedom and rights if he can’t sip his coffee while walking the dog. “I guess I could just wait until I got home to drink my coffee but then I’d have to accommodate a change to my routine and I’m not about to do that. This is Canada. I pay taxes. We have a Prime Minister.”
When explained that, despite his self-proclaimed immunity, Fuller could transmit the virus to others, the man responded that whenever he’s walking along a crowded sidewalk, he makes sure to turn his face away from others. “And before you ask, I make sure to double up on my masks when I go inside,” said Fuller, with his nose sticking out the top of his mask. “Double up on a mask means, when your mask gets too gross, you just flip over to the other side and wear it, right? Like dirty underwear?”
Amidst the growing fear surrounding the new mutated COVID strains that are allegedly twice as contagious, Fuller declared that he already had COVID and ipso facto, is immune to it.