OTTAWA – Over the past months, Canada has embraced the different strains of Covid-19 that have entered the country and is proud of the beautiful cultural mosaic our country has become.
Although scientists are hesitant to call this a win for Canada, Minister of Cultural Heritage Steven Guilbeault begs to differ.
“It’s important that we get to know the background of each variant and understand what makes them special. Take the UK variant, It spreads fast. Quick to colonize a country and ruin its lives.”
Guilbeault added, “The UK variant also impacts taste and smell, so one’s food becomes bland and spiceless. Finally, the UK variant leaves patients distant from each other. Colder. Less expressive. Overly polite in a disingenuous way.”
While the UK variant has been generally embraced with open arms, the Brazilian variant has been met with hostility from the conservatives. According to Conservative Leader Erin O’Toole, “There are records that show UK variant infected us legally, and through the proper channels. But with the Brazilian variant, there is no documentation. No due process. The Brazilian variant has been shown to circumvent our bodies’ immune system and get past it with ease. The only solution is stronger immune systems with stricter policies.”
When asked about the South African variant, O’Toole responded, “We’re fine with some of the South African variants, particularly those that show more compatibility with the UK variant.”
Guilbeault also spoke about the importance of Canada being a mosaic, not a melting pot. “We don’t actually need a Canadian variant. We have all these beautiful and unique strains that we’ve already accepted with open arms and it’s important to give space for them to grow and express themselves. With schools and work opening soon hopefully, they can integrate more permanently into our society. We need to open our hearts, and more importantly our lungs, so we can understand each variant’s culture better.”
The Minister added, “We wouldn’t want to make variants that haven’t made their way into Canada yet feel unwelcome.”
“Toronto officially has more COVID-19 variants than the rest of the world!” said an excited John Tory. “Our ICUs have become so delightfully colourful and vibrant. We hope to contract one of each Covid variant in the world and stay true to our nickname, the most diverse city in the world.”
John Tory also announced a COVID cultural awareness festival called COVID-bana that will be held in mid-March.