“I refuse to live in fear of COVID,” says woman who lives in fear of socialism

St. Catharines, ON – Amid the second wave of the COVID-19 pandemic, 49-year-old Ontario resident Shirley Mills has informed family and friends that she refuses to live in fear of the virus,…

“That oughta do it” says Ford after requiring Costco to close an hour early

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is said to be confident that the COVID pandemic is basically over now that Costco and the LCBO have to close a bit earlier than before. “I think we’re ou…

Ford exempts large US retailers from lockdown, but encourages Ontarians to “blame locally”

QUEEN’S PARK – While refusing to consider paid sick leave or lockdown restrictions on US retailers like WalMart and Costco to COVID, Ontario Premier Doug Ford encouraged Ontarians to contin…

Trump not worried about second impeachment stating, “I already got impeached once, so now I am immune to it”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has announced that he is not worried about his oncoming second impeachment as he “already has built up a strong immunity to it.” “Remember when you…

Man who refuses to go down on women hasn’t showered in 8 days

CALGARY – Local shower avoider Heath Gerry is adamant in his refusal to put his face near a woman’s genitalia despite being an eye watering risk to public health himself. “I just thin…

Report: Puppy calendar filled with uggos this year

EDMONTON – The latest report compiled by market experts has revealed that the 2021 release from noted calendar brand “Omg Pups!” is filled with absolute uggos this year. The newest 13-month…

Canadians relieved our right-wing, authoritarian politicians not charismatic enough to inspire Coups

OTTAWA – In the wake of the attempted storming of the US Capitol Building, Canadians are expressing relief that our many far-right, anti-democrat politicians are too bland to inspire an arm…

Trump spends weekend just fucking unloading on Tumblr

WASHINGTON D.C. – After getting himself permanently banned from social media sites including Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, President Donald J. Trump reportedly spent the entire weekend …

Local woman optimistically transfers all 2020 goals to her new 2021 planner

Flin Flon, MB – Local woman Jessica Thames has optimistically transferred all of her 2020 goals into her brand new 2021 planner using her ‘the future is yours’ engraved pen. Thames came up …

Conservative Party demands MPs give back all the pro-Trump paraphernalia they handed out

OTTAWA – All Conservative MPs have been ordered to return all MAGA hats, t-shirts, bracelets, and other types of pro-Trump gear that was distributed by the party before the US Presidential …