TORONTO – Ontario NDP leader Andrea Horwath announced that she would oppose mandatory COVID vaccinations for teachers, yet another plank in her expansive new plan to never become Ontario’s premi...
Vancouver offers Stanley Park coyotes one jogger a year as tribute
VANCOUVER – Acknowledging the failure of typical animal control measures to quell a spate of violent coyote attacks over the last few months in Stanley Park, the City of Vancouver has decided to...
Delta variant excited to vote for Maxime Bernier
North Bay, ON – While making a pre-election tour in communities as far away from non-white Canadians as possible, Maxime Bernier gained an early endorsement when the Covid Delta variant expresse...
Report: Canada just one big American shell corporation
PARIS, FR – After decades of research and investigation forensic accountants have determined that Canada, originally named 33256 Ltd, has been operating as a shell corporation for the congregati...
Alberta’s children too young to get vaccinated excited to be part of experiment’s control group
EDMONTON – Alberta’s children too young to be vaccinated expressed excitement after the government announced a new, province-wide study of what would happen if all COVID-19 public health measure...
Generations of selective breeding produce this fucking asshole
News in Photos...
Meet the unvaccinated: This 33 year old mom is a real fucking idiot
With about 10% of the population saying they will not get vaccinated against the deadly COVID-19 virus, we here at The Beaverton have decided to follow every other media outlet in Canada and do our ow...
James Cameron finishes filming Avatar 4 before realizing he never made Avatar 2 or 3
LOS ANGELES – James Cameron has announced he has finished filming Avatar 4 right after realizing he never made Avatar 2 or Avatar 3. “I cannot wait for everyone to see what I have in store this ...
Arthur series to end with fan requested “Death of DW” episode
Eldwood City, Pennsylvania – After 25 seasons, the animated children’s series Arthur is finally coming to an end with an ending producers insist “fans will love.” “After 25 seasons, we’ve decide...
NHL’s plan to become league that only caters to MRAs, alt-right trolls and creepy uncles going great
TORONTO – The NHL is reporting progress in their plan to drive away all but their most disturbed and depraved fans by choosing to support sexual offenders and violent, racist trolls. “Unfo...
