TORONTO – The NHL is reporting progress in their plan to drive away all but their most disturbed and depraved fans by choosing to support sexual offenders and violent, racist trolls.
“Unfortunately our league currently has a diverse group of fans, including women, BIPOC and basically everyone with a conscience,” said commissioner Gary Bettman. “and we really want to get rid of them to focus on our core audience: people who voted for Trump and people who tweeted ‘whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty’ in response to every #MeToo story.”
“What better way to show them whose side we’re on then to cover up the BlackHawks sex assault scandal while allowing Montreal to draft a convicted sex offender in the first round,” he added.
The league put their plan into place early in the offseason through the Blackhaws and Canadiens moves. But the culmination occured yesterday when Carolina signed unrepentant racist, twitter troll and violent Maga defenceman Anthony DeAngelo to a million dollar contract.
“This signing should send a clear signal to everyone that we only want you to watch the NHL if you think the people who invaded the Capitol on January 6th were true Patriots. Or if you were one of those people who invaded the capitol,” said Hurricanes GM Don Waddell.
The league hopes that it’s actions will attract a ton of new fans who think football and Nascar have become too woke, and will be happy to learn all new rules, terminology and the correct pronunciation of numerous french and russian last names.
“The important thing is we took a stand. We sent a message. And that message is: you are not welcome here,” said Bettman.