Doug Ford to re-open all of Ontario as long as everyone super pinky-swears to stop spreading COVID-19
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has relented to public pressure and permitted the re-opening of most major municipal centres so long as the population commits to a pinky-swear en m…
Online persona successfully hides crippling depression
TORONTO – We are happy to report that your online persona has successfully hidden your crippling depression from your followers across social media. By portraying a heavily curated version …
Manitoba moves schools to North Dakota
WINNIPEG – Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister announced all of Manitoba’s schools will be relocated to North Dakota for the remainder of the school year until the province’s pandemic subsides…
Queen ant gets 27,000 cards for Mother’s Day
BRANTFORD, ON – The queen of a local ant colony awoke on Mother’s Day to find herself bombarded with thousands upon thousands of cards from her children. “Thank you, Anthony, that’s very sweet,” …
Toronto roommates stuck together for another lockdown decide to finally kill Trevor
TORONTO – Local roommates Deborah Maine, Josh Goodman, and Keith Smith have decided to get around to killing their fourth roommate Trevor Lewin after learning they are all stuck with him fo…
Subway station playing classical music plagued by loitering elderlies
TORONTO – As a means to deter young loiterers, TTC officials have begun playing a classical music compilation over the Dundas subway station intercom, which in turn has attracted groups of …
Adorable! This boy found a bird with a broken wing, nursed it back to health, and then explained to it what NFTs are
OWEN SOUND, ON – A heartwarming scene unfolded earlier this week when nine-year-old Billy Simmons rescued a chickadee that had fallen out of its nest and gave it a crash course on non-fungible to…
Masked woman can’t stop smiling now that men can’t tell her to smile
Yellowknife, NWT – A local woman who regularly wears face masks cannot stop smiling, due to the fact that men can no longer tell her to smile. Naomi Abrams, 29, hasn’t been told to smile by a man…
Local woman pretty sure the census is hitting on her
CALGARY – A Calgary woman is fairly certain that the Canadian census she just took online was interested in far more than gathering her vital statistics. “It started out normally, you know,…
Companies outraged that workers are leaving minimum wage jobs before they can be replaced by robots
NEW YORK CITY – As more frontline workers opt to quit minimum wage jobs that could expose them to COVID, Company CEOs say they are furious that people would simply stay home and “cash…
