Ontario offering vaccines by either appointment or human stampede

OTTAWA – Health officials in Ontario have announced those eligible for their COVID-19 vaccines may either make an appointment with their health provider or participate in a stampede trampli…

Dead whale really ruining the experience of being carried across beach by God

NANAIMO, BC – According to local sources, the rotting carcass of a beached grey whale has complicated Becky Shelton’s profound spiritual crisis.  “Don’t get me wrong, I love that God is here to c…

Local woman divorces work husband amidst emotional affair with regular husband

VICTORIA, BC – Disaster has struck at Wellington Insurance Company, where accounts manager Alexis Long has commenced divorce proceedings against her work husband Jason Thomson after reveali…

Doug Ford wins best actor Oscar for performance pretending to care about people dying of COVID

TORONTO – In an upset win, Ontario Premier Doug Ford took home the Academy Award for Best Leading Actor due to his performance crying crocodile tears for all the people dying of COVID as a …

Oscar paparazzi getting great shots of their own laptops

LOS ANGELES, CA – The 93rd Academy Awards are underway, and the socially distanced press is currently getting some great shots of the famous attendees when they appear onscreen during the l…

Punk optometrist asks patient to read bottom line of festival poster

MONTREAL — Local punk and professional optometrist Riley “Pinkeye” Abraham tested a patient’s eyesight this morning by asking her to read the bottom line of a PUNTER FEST poster, sources report. …

Ontarians reminisce about other Ford brother whose bumbling incompetence didn’t kill anyone

TORONTO – As they reflected from their places of quarantine, Ontarians reminisced about the late Toronto mayor Rob Ford, whose tenure from 2010-2014 didn’t lead to the deaths of thousands. …

REPORT: Experts warn Canada’s bouncy housing market dangerously overinflated

VANCOUVER – After a record-shattering March, experts are warning that the asset valuation of Canadian bouncy property may be drastically overblown, to the point where many young Canadians w…

Woman who doesn’t get “pronouns” requests you describe her as “vaccine-hesitant”

GEORGIAN BAY, ON – Stacey Amber, a woman who has told you on many occasions without provocation she “doesn’t get gender pronouns” has requested you use “vaccine-hesitant” when addressing he…

Editorial: Can a celebrity be governor of California?

Following the announcement by gold medal winning Olympian and reality television star Caitlyn Jenner that she will be running for governor of California, the sensitive and unresolved question mus…