QUEEN’S PARK – Citizens of Ontario were surprised to find an unknown letter tucked amongst their usual mail promising them the untold riches of capable governance.
The letter was sent by the Ontario PCs to a number of homes across the province, notably previous party supporters, the visually-impaired and the terminally afraid.
The correspondence seemingly explains that a wealth of honest, fact-based government oversight was currently trapped in bureaucratic red tape and that it could be unlocked through payment of an enclosed $300 invoice.
The Beaverton was able to acquire a copy of the single-page letter sent along with the invoice. It reads as follows:
“Dear Sir Madam,
I hope I greet you upon the most gloriousness[sic] of days.
My name is Mr. Doug Ford and I am the crown prince of the great nation of Ontario! I write to you today to graciously implore your aid? Auditors in my magnificent regime have uncovered a vast fortune of competent leadership trapped in the accounts of the Progressive Conservative party!
This truly magnificent sum of capable governance would be able to solve the housing, COVID, and climate crises one-hundred times over!! Unfortunately, due to federal guidelines enacted by the treacherous Liberals we are unable to have accessing these funds.
This is why we seek you as a trustworthy and most likely elderly or non-English speaking Canadian to act as our intermediary? By paying the enclosed $300 Election Readiness Fund, you are ensuring we will not have to live through the pig-headed, fly by the seat of your ass governance we have had to endure for the past three years!!
Time is the maximum essence! Without your help? I fear my government may happen to collapse any day now and this vast treasure trove of basic competency will be lost forever!
Please be responding immediately to my personal email: Xx_OntarioPC_78_xX@hotmail.com,
Eternal bountiful joy be upon you,
Mr. Doog [sic] Ford”
At press time, your grandparents were excitedly waiting to hear back from Mr. Douglas Ford after mailing him both of their CPP cheques for this month.