CDC announces that schoolchildren can finally swap masks for bulletproof vests
ATLANTA – More than fifteen months into the global COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has announced that children returning to in-person learning can finally …
“Sorry I can’t come, there’s a blimp attack,” says woman who’s forgotten how to avoid social obligations
EDMONTON – After agreeing to attend a social event for the first time in over a year, Katie Flynn is trying to get out of the commitment but has completely forgotten how to make a credible excuse…
Local woman tired of the 3 shitty little meals she knows how to make
GUELPH, ON – Local accounts manager Mary Nierling confirmed today that there are only three meals she knows how to make and she is completely disgusted by all of them at this point. “I was …
Ryerson agrees to change name, drop the “University”
TORONTO – In response to recently renewed discussions surrounding the problematic history of its name, Ryerson has agreed to make the necessary change – by no longer calling itself a univer…
“Rename it Daddy’s Day,” demand nation’s perverts
OTTAWA – Activist perverts from across Canada’s provinces and territories congregated in front of Parliament Hill on Sunday in a collective demonstration calling for the renaming of Father’…
Local man who hates hugs at work stalling on vaccination
LAVAL, QC – Hugo Drujon, age 50, has been eligible for weeks to receive a vaccination but has been holding out in an effort to avoid the inevitable offers of hugs at work that will come on…
Socks and sandals hung from the chimney with care
News in Photos…
Man gets away with murder after eyewitness turns out to be NHL referee
MONTREAL – A homicide has gone unsolved after the eyewitness who was right there turned out to be an NHL referee, and therefore somehow missed the entire thing. “He was standing right…
Channing Tatum revealed to have been trapped at bottom of well for past 4 years
LOS ANGELES – A list actor Channing Tatum’s recent multi-year absence from Hollywood films has been explained after the megastar was found trapped at the bottom of a well. “Good God, I’ve b…
Police baffled by knife-shaped hole found in stabbing victim
VANCOUVER, BC – The Vancouver Police Department has announced a puzzling new development in the recent downtown stabbing case: a hole, shaped oddly like some kind of knife, has been found i…
