“Birkenstocks are super comfy” reports woman with bloody, cut-up feet

Peterborough, ON – Local woman Jane Waite has been telling friends how comfortable her new Birkenstock sandals are, despite the numerous cuts, blisters and open wounds visible. “I cou…

5 Gifts to buy your pregnant friend after you said “sorry” instead of “congratulations”

So, it happened. You’ve spent so many years helping your rhythm-method-loving friends fix their mistakes that you completely missed the turning point when everyone’s pregnancies became on p…

Quebec demands all emojis remove hijabs

QUEBEC – After a unanimous decision in the Quebec legislature on Wednesday, the provincial government motioned that all emojis remove hijabs for Quebec representation. “Other nations …

Anti-lockdown protestors compare Canada to the Nineteen Eighty-Four Wikipedia page

WINNIPEG – As anti-lockdown rallies continue in COVID hotspots across the country, several protestors compared the public health measures to the totalitarian ideology summarised on the Wikipedia …

Toronto Police leave homeless encampment in peace after residents say they’re just a 24 hour anti-mask protest

TORONTO – After weeks of clearing unhoused individuals from Toronto parks in the middle of a Pandemic, Toronto Police finally left the residents outside Lamport Stadium alone after they sai…

Super flower blood moon trying way too hard to be interesting

News in Photos…

Father forbids Pfizer-vaccinated daughter to date Moderna-vaccinated boy

MILTON, ON – Reaffirming that his family is a “Pfizer family,” local father Harold Ludwig has forbidden his daughter Donna from dating a teenage “Moderna bad boy.” “I’m putting my foot down…

Calgary fans celebrate highlight of Flames’ season

CALGARY – After a long, gruelling season, Flames fans were finally able to celebrate a true victory when the Edmonton Oilers were shockingly swept out of the Playoffs. “You know, it&#…

Turns out this beautiful butterfly was friends with Jeffrey Epstein

POINT PELEE, ON – From Bill Gates to Prince Andrew to Bill Clinton, the image of many famous and powerful men has been tainted by their association with Jeffrey Epstein. But perhaps the mos…

UN names “Star Trek: TNG episode where Dr. Crusher bones the ghost that boned her grandma” humanity’s greatest cultural achievement

NEW YORK CITY, NY – The General Assembly of the United Nations has passed a resolution acknowledging the 1994 Star Trek: The Next Generation episode “Sub Rosa” as the most important cultural achi…