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National
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Canada Votes 2015
Liberal budget promises 10 bajillion dollars to whatever thing you’re into
Canada suffering productivity crisis, says government that does nothing
In honour of Mulroney, national funeral to be privatized
Trudeau wondering if he should try being PM of a different country, now that he’s got the hang of it
Man with dedicated folder for ‘back of the head’ selfies definitely not balding
Nation’s cyclists mortified after learning that stop signs and red lights apply to them too
Fuck! Group of teens just noticed you
White kid’s name spelled normally
Amazing! Bald eagles seen living in Toronto with zero roommates!
Toronto Police advise banks to leave big pile of money at the door to avoid being robbed
Eglinton LRT builders mail ransom note, severed piece of track, to Torontonians
Toronto Liberal MPs accuse Olivia Chow of trying to help Toronto
Just for Laughs Festival files for bankruptcy protection just before jumping out of box wearing gorilla mask
Montreal rioters concerned COVID rules are destroying small businesses before they can destroy small businesses
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
Report: Killer Whales actively preparing to bring down a plane
Vancouver considers buying a second snowplow
Vancouver actor moves to L.A. to improve odds of getting cast in shows that shoot in Vancouver
Vancouver removes tents from Eastside unless they can prove they’re a weed shop
Tied Yukon election to be decided by traditional chainsaw throw
Yukon exposed to 2 cases of assholes
Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
York Professor asks for a note from a dictator before agreeing to defer student’s exam
Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Western University mandate 3 vaccine shots, 15 Jaegermeister shots
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
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UPDATE: Royal Family insists Kate has always had 3 hands, and King Charles is with her on a farm in the country
Buckingham Palace struggling to enforce Return to Office policy
Royal Family stands by photos, insists Kate Middleton has always had 3 hands
Ukrainian military discovers Canadian “drones” just old Sea Kings with GoPros taped on
OJ Simpson funeral to feature ceremonial televised white bronco chase
OJ Simpson dies surrounded by family members he didn’t murder
Trump clarifies abortion stance as “whatever will convince you, personally, to vote for me”
Following fraud judgement, Trump offers followers chance to pay $355mil for one night of passion with Eric
Living History: Grandma exchanged letters with John Diefenbaker where he talks about his “Dief Beef”
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Sports
Sports
New Canadian Olympic uniforms made from real Alberta beef
NHL to expand to every city in North America except Quebec City
10 names for Utah’s new NHL team even less representative of the state than Jazz
NHL player declared legally dead before trade deadline expects to be ready for Playoffs
Business
Business
Boeing whistleblower found dead in Boeing plane that spontaneously combusted
Conservatives announce that Loblaws will be exclusive distributors of new Porn IDs
Bell cuts 4800 jobs to create more participants for next Bell Let’s Talk Day
In event of cabin pressure change, air Canada instructs passengers to secure own mask before 360 roundhouse kicking the person next to them
Culture
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Was 2003 The Best Year Ever? No, But You People Endlessly Crave Nostalgia Therapy
Deadpool & Wolverine to finally introduce Canada to Marvel Cinematic Universe
Law & Order Toronto criticized as unrealistic after showing Toronto Police trying to solve crimes
Conservative pundit decries rising divorce rate in his house
Extreme home makeover? This man washed his sheets
Boy realises the magic really was in that amulet and not inside him in the slightest
Luxury porta-potty includes chemical bidet
Hero driver taps lightly on brakes before plowing into cyclist
4 hangover cures that aren’t as good as playing Home for a Rest by beloved Canadian folk rock band Spirit of the West at full volume
Malfunctioning embryo freezer charged with mass murder
Breaking: Coworker who gave entire office Covid promoted for never taking a day off
Read the curriculum for Jordan Peterson’s court ordered social media training
Editorial: Five ways to use your huge bazongas as literal weapons in the Woke War, by the National Post
Editorial: Women must date unpleasant men, and we’re not just saying that because we’re unpleasant men
You fucking Leafs fans still think I’m the worst Defenceman you’ve ever seen?
Is Buffy Ste Marie actually Indigenous? Six extremely white people weigh in
Child abuse? This baby is wearing jeans
Toddler guzzling bathwater like Nero at Bacchanal in waning days of Roman Empire
5 tips for betting on NHL preseason games while your whiny children beg you for attention
EDITORIAL: Why I’m not letting my kids use social media except the YouTube channel they star in that pays our mortgage
93% of Canadians will never pay off their blood debts
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
Missed Connections: You were the public urinator on Main and 5th
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
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Choice Your Own Adventure
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Five people you hope are not on the Epstein list
Free speech champions explain why it’s OK that people are being cancelled for criticizing Israel
Devastating: Woman forgets “R” in email to Pedro
Most popular TV show in each Province
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
Quiz: Should you watch Barbie, Oppenheimer or 2008 Canadian WWI drama Passchendaele
Quiz: Who should you vote for in Toronto’s Mayoral Race
Quiz: Who should you vote for in the Alberta Provincial Election
QUIZ: Is it a pyramid scheme or just a regular cult?
Free speech champions explain why it’s OK that people are being cancelled for criticizing Israel
Conservatives explain why Pierre Poilievre attacking ‘globalist elites’ isn’t antisemitic
Liberals explain why they can’t do anything about the housing crisis
Canadians react to Pierre Poilievre’s “sexy” makeover
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
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Local woman saving pictures of vegetable scraps to make stock photo
