VANCOUVER – Marine researchers were initially happy to report that three critically endangered killer whales have recently become pregnant all at the same time, until further tests revealed that each whale had been impregnated by the same individual: killer whale Satan.
“There are only 74 southern resident orcas left, and now three of them are giving birth to orca anti-christs. If each calf lives, that will result in an anti-christ population of almost four percent. That’s an anti-christ concentration unheard of in the animal kingdom,” said UBC marine theologist Dr. Linda Oliver.
“It’s the equivalent of the human population containing 316 million anti-christs. That’s a lot of anti-christs.”
The scientific community is split on the effect that such unprecedented influx of diabolical individuals will have on an already stressed species like the southern resident orca. Some experts have theorized that an influx of infernal genetic material will help the species adapt to a warming ocean, but Dr. Oliver believes that the presence of three scions of whale Lucifer can spell nothing but doom for the species.
“The appearance of so many orca anti-christs is very likely to trigger the killer whale rapture. Which would absolutely destroy any possibility of preventing their extinction since they’re a very kind and playful species. Most will go straight to whale heaven.”
“If only more of them were assholes, they might have had a chance,” Dr. Oliver lamented.
It’s not known at this time if the three spawn of the Cetacean Prince of Darkness will rule together in a triumvirate or if there will be a power struggle in which one half-sibling defeats the others and absorbs their essence, but it is expected that once the victor or victors have satiated their hellish hunger for power they will primarily subsist on fish, cephalopods and other marine mammals.
“There’s so much we still don’t know about what’s about to happen,” Dr. Oliver said. “No demonic killer whale pregnancy has ever been brought to term in captivity, though numerous attempts were made by SeaWorld to breed such a whale in the belief that a soulless, evil creature would be more at home in their parks.”
The mothers appear to be doing well, but the government is cautioning scientists and whale watchers interested in the pregnancies not to get too close. The last research vessel that attempted to get near the three pregnant whales was lost at sea with all hands – though several feet have since washed up on shore.
