WASHINGTON D.C. — After a draft opinion was leaked from the Supreme Court yesterday stating the Court’s intention to overturn Roe v. Wade, feminists across the country celebrated finally being v...
Wanna see some photos of a kid you don’t know, ya freakin’ weirdos?
Looking for photos of Princess Charlotte, a child you’ve never met, and never will meet? You’ve come to the right place. Here’s a great photo of this child, whose only claim to fame is that a re...
Experts admit world just going to have to learn to live with seasonal outbreaks of Vladimir Putin
GENEVA – In a long expected admission by assembled health and safety representatives, citizens of countries across the world have been informed that we are all just going to have to endure regular, pe...
Opinion: If corporations can be tried as individuals, then why can’t my ex-boyfriend’s improv team?
TORONTO – The legal doctrine known as corporate personhood states that corporations can be sued just like individual people. So if I can sue a corporation, why the hell can’t I sue my ex-boyfriend’s i...
Ottawa police investigation confirms motorcycles easier to tow than transport trucks
OTTAWA – As crowds gather in the city’s downtown core for the Rolling Thunder motorcycle protest rally, Ottawa Police have released the results of an internal investigation stating that motorcycles ar...
New research shows the thing you’re doing to cope with your depression is the cause of your depression
CALGARY, AB – A new study from the Centre for Canadian Mental Health and Wellness (CCMHW) found that among Canadians aged 18-35, the near-ubiquitous cause of mental distress was the thing they w...
BREAKING: This man can explain why he invested in NFTs but not what an NFT is
TORONTO – Scientists in Toronto have made a startling discovery this week: local man Josh Clybourne is able to justify at length why he invested in NFTs, but seems physically incapable of defini...
Modern Baryshnikov artfully dodges the steam unleashed by microwave dinner
HALIFAX – Sources report that Daniel Strickland has amazed onlookers by easily avoiding the steam that poured out of his microwave dinner as he peeled back its plastic seal. “I thought he was going ...
Ottawa police chief reminds officers not to join protests this time
OTTAWA – Ottawa interim police chief Steve Bell has reminded members of his force that they are not allowed to participate in any planned far-right protests this weekend despite what happened la...
