TORONTO – The Ford government has announced plans this week to change the name of the Ontario Science Centre to the Galen Weston Centre for Condos and Corporate Greed. The decision comes fo…
Due to inflation, Newfoundland time zone now 45 minutes past the hour
ST JOHN’S – The Government of Newfoundland and Labrador this week announced that after adjustments for inflation, Newfoundland’s time zone will be shifted to 45 minutes past the hour. Prem…
Galen Weston liberates No Name brand from shackles of tyrannical price freeze
BRAMPTON, ON – Galen Weston, billionaire philanthropist and benevolent overlord of the Loblaws grocery empire, has graciously announced plans to liberate No Name brand products from their unjust …
Donder and Blitzen to put career on hold for mandatory military service
NORTH POLE – Following weeks of speculation, two members of Santa’s prestigious team of reindeer have announced they are planning temporary resignation in order to undertake military …
Beavfeed: Top five local spots to huddle during thunderstorms
Every downtown pedestrian knows what it feels like to get caught in the rain without an umbrella. With so many options available, we’ve narrowed down the best retail doorways to huddle in, so you…
Supply chain issue results in shortage of cans of whoop-ass
TORONTO – Supply chain issues are leaving customers high and dry as an unexpected shortage of cans of whoop-ass grips the nation. Amidst lingering pandemic related delays and the rising cos…
25% off sale on pants actually just regular price capris
TORONTO – Controversy arose this week at a downtown location of the popular retailer Urban Outfitters, as a “25% Off Pants” sale was revealed to be a rack of regularly priced capri pants. Shopper…
BodyBreak duo returns to television for gritty origin story reboot
TORONTO – Netflix Canada announced today that they have signed a deal with BodyBreak creative team Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod to produce a new and updated origin story reboot of the beloved Ca…
Rogers family commemorates loss of matriarch with 3 day long service outage
TORONTO – Following the passing of family matriarch and telecom director Loretta Rogers, at age 83, Rogers Communications announced today they will be honouring her memory with a 3 day long…
Local woman desperately looking for way out of friend’s escape room birthday party
TORONTO – After an exhausting work week, local resident Sarah Smythe is shocked and dismayed to find herself trapped at her friend’s escape room party. “There’s no way out now, my hands are…