TORONTO – After a long deliberation, officials have confirmed that rescue dog Bowser is still, in fact, a certified Good Boy. The ruling comes as a relief to the 90 pound Cane Corso mix, who was …
Hero driver taps lightly on brakes before plowing into cyclist
TORONTO – Onlookers yesterday afternoon were treated to a remarkable display of the very best humanity has to offer, as local driver Jonas Grumby tapped lightly on his brakes while making a right…
Local woman makes hating Canada her entire personality, wins Alberta election
EDMONTON – A local woman who has made hating Canada her entire personality has become Premier of Alberta after winning the provincial election. Danielle Smith, a lifelong Canadian citizen b…
Forest fires across Canada kick off annual Dystopian Hellscape season
QUEBEC CITY – From orange skies at midday and the hacking cough of ash-filled lungs, to hectares of scorched forest and the eerie lingering odour of “downtown ghost campfire,” the familiar …
Ontario Science Centre to be renamed The Galen Weston Centre for Condos and Corporate Greed
TORONTO – The Ford government has announced plans this week to change the name of the Ontario Science Centre to the Galen Weston Centre for Condos and Corporate Greed. The decision comes fo…
Due to inflation, Newfoundland time zone now 45 minutes past the hour
ST JOHN’S – The Government of Newfoundland and Labrador this week announced that after adjustments for inflation, Newfoundland’s time zone will be shifted to 45 minutes past the hour. Prem…
Galen Weston liberates No Name brand from shackles of tyrannical price freeze
BRAMPTON, ON – Galen Weston, billionaire philanthropist and benevolent overlord of the Loblaws grocery empire, has graciously announced plans to liberate No Name brand products from their unjust …
Donder and Blitzen to put career on hold for mandatory military service
NORTH POLE – Following weeks of speculation, two members of Santa’s prestigious team of reindeer have announced they are planning temporary resignation in order to undertake military …
Beavfeed: Top five local spots to huddle during thunderstorms
Every downtown pedestrian knows what it feels like to get caught in the rain without an umbrella. With so many options available, we’ve narrowed down the best retail doorways to huddle in, so you…
Supply chain issue results in shortage of cans of whoop-ass
TORONTO – Supply chain issues are leaving customers high and dry as an unexpected shortage of cans of whoop-ass grips the nation. Amidst lingering pandemic related delays and the rising cos…