CALGARY, AB – A new study from the Centre for Canadian Mental Health and Wellness (CCMHW) found that among Canadians aged 18-35, the near-ubiquitous cause of mental distress was the thing they were depending on to escape that mental distress.
“It seems crazy to say,” said Dr Kevin Porter, clinical psychologist. “But the data doesn’t lie. Coming home from a rough workday and woodchipping a family-size bag of Cheetos will probably do you more harm than good. The midnight cheesecakes are not self-care. They’re part of the problem.”
The study outlined several depression-inducing activities in which an alarming number of young Canadians are taking refuge, including: hitting a Juul or other nicotine vape in response to a joke being poorly received by a group of friends; consuming alcohol (a central nervous system depressant) in response to being romantically dumpstered by a coworker; and spending way, way too much time under a weighted blanket because the weather sucks and you’re not feeling it today.
“We had to double check to be sure, but it turns out the same is also true for a whole bunch of other mental illnesses,” says Dr Helena Robinson, chair of Psychiatric Research at the University of Calgary.
“For example, smoking a big girthy blunt to chill out in social situations will actually make your anxiety skyrocket in the long-term. Crazy, right? Late night booty calling that hung guy with a pea-brain, probably not going to help with your abandonment issues. And spending hours on social media pursuing a sense of connection and joy is only going to make you feel like a disgusting seacow with an inescapable void for a home life.”
The research, funded jointly by Proctor & Gamble-Monsanto-PepsiCo, aims to bring awareness to the prevalence of depression triggers caused by the Canadian individual, and not by any other messed up stuff going on in the world all the time.
Though preliminary sample sizes were small, the initial data sets also point to activities like tussling a cat’s fur, playing too many or too few video games, exposure to direct sunlight, eating regularly, warmly hugging someone you trust, smoking, not smoking, overconsumption of vegetables, taking too much time off, kisses, and frolicking as likely causes of mental illness.
“Pretty much everything except buying things. That’s hundo p safe. You can always buy stuff to feel better,” said a company representative.