WASHINGTON D.C. — After a draft opinion was leaked from the Supreme Court yesterday stating the Court’s intention to overturn Roe v. Wade, feminists across the country celebrated finally being validated after warning people that this would happen for years! Yes, Justices! Thank you for finally giving our voices credibility!
After word of the leak spread on social media, author of the draft and noted Man Feminist Justice Samuel Alito clarified how important it was for him and the other Justices to really make women’s exhausting life or death fight for their own bodily autonomy feel important and acknowledged.
“By deciding to overturn Roe v. Wade, we’re looking straight into the eyes of every person with a uterus in the United States of America and saying, ‘We hear you. We see you. And we are so happy to help prove you right,” Alito said. “You’ve been yelling and moaning about us potentially overturning Roe for years, and it was high time someone really confirmed your fears.”
Wow, ladies! Can you say #ally? We sure can, as long as we’re still allowed to speak!
Justice Amy Coney Barrett added her girlvoice to the conversation, stating that she saw the leaked document as an opportunity for women across the country to step up and fight for their right to not die in back alley abortions.
“As a woman on the Supreme Court, I’m proud to help substantiate the voices of other women, especially if those voices are poor, working class, and desperate,” she said, collecting coat hangers to throw at the desperate masses once abortion is criminalized. “You feminists are always so angry and eager to fight, so we’re giving you the fight of your literal life! You’re welcome!”
We barely know what to do with all this #empowerment!
At press time, women across the U.S. were, like, so happy to finally be able to say, “I fucking told you so, fuckheads, shit, goddamnit, fuck,” like the #empowered #girlbosses they are!