I’ve had COVID-19 thrice now, and I gotta say: what’s the big idea? Why are we trying to prevent it so much when it’s just like a little cold that barely stops you from doing anything! I can still do ...
Freedom Convoy just wants the freedom to murder judges
OTTAWA – One of the judges who presided over the court hearings of the Freedom Convoy organisers is facing threats from the Convoy’s supporters, who insist that they just want to exercise their God-gi...
Report: Rainbow doughnuts from your workplace really brightening bullied trans child’s day
CAMROSE, AB ― Lunchroom sources have confirmed that the Pride-themed doughnut you brought from work for your transgender daughter is making for a welcome break from her usual daily routine of being ta...
Run down, tiny Semi-detached can’t believe these suckers paid 1.8 million to live in it
TORONTO – A dilapidated semi-detached home in the Leslieville area was shocked to discover that the new residents had paid nearly 2 million dollars to live in it. “1.8 million?! Dollars?! ...
Winner of local theatre award doomed to keep working in local theatre scene
VANCOUVER — Darren Weiss won the Jessie Richardson Award for Best Actor – Large Theatre Category on Monday, for his performance as Austin in a production of True West. The win has cemented the y...
Read the ‘Canada Day Freedom Convoy’s’ new list of demands
The Freedom Convoy is back everyone! After making Ottawa the most exciting place to have racial slurs screamed at you back in February, they are planning to return to protest on Canada Day. But since ...
Experts confirm that global supply chain is now just one dude named Greg doing his best
TORONTO – As the world continues to experience worsening product shortages and shipping delays, experts have now confirmed that the planet’s global supply chain is down to just one lone man name...
Queen Elizabeth announces plan to outlive Charles, “no matter what it takes”
LONDON, UK – In a rare candid interview this week, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II announced her formal plan to outlive heir to the throne Prince Charles, “no matter the dark deeds required.” Her...
Bringing back a classic: this year’s summer bop is Handel’s Messiah
TORONTO – As millions of Canadians go about their summer, the strains of George Frideric Handel’s Messiah are providing a backdrop to countless barbeques, pool parties, and weekends at the cabin. “Som...
Local vet boops a third of your savings account after routine check-up
NAPANEE – A recent trip to the vet has drained hundreds of absolute units from your bank account after it was confirmed your furbaby was in perfect health. The vet was heckin’ thrilled to repor...
