Winner of local theatre award doomed to keep working in local theatre scene - The Beaverton

Winner of local theatre award doomed to keep working in local theatre scene

— Darren Weiss won the Jessie Richardson Award for Best – Large Category on Monday, for his performance as Austin in a production of True West. The win has cemented the young actor’s place in the local theatre scene, the poor bastard. 

“This is an incredible honour,” Weiss said in his acceptance speech before an assemblage of similarly-doomed peers. He thanked his director, cast-mates, and everyone else involved in the production, all of whom nodded dutifully at his acquiescence to a fate of low-paying gigs at the Club, Bard on the Beach, and the handful of little companies dotted throughout BC, which will barely keep him afloat financially and leave him permanently prone to renoviction. 

“I’ve been dreaming of this moment since theatre school,” Weiss continued as he cradled the statuette, smiling at its promise of middle school tours in a van and the occasional day-player role in a TV show he’s never watched about a superhero he’s never heard of. “They said most of us would quit the biz, but a few would make a place for themselves,” he continued, referring to the pit he’ll spend the rest of his career trapped in.

“I was actually considering moving to Toronto, or maybe New York or LA,” Weiss said, checking his phone for a text notifying him about his callback for a Sport Chek commercial that would almost cover two months’ rent. “But this seals the deal. I’m staying right here. Forever!” he added, smiling widely.

Weiss, whose many program bios describe his feelings about being in every single production as “thrilled,” then took a series of selfies with fellow members of the Vancouver theatre community, with whom he’ll devote the rest of his life to helping well-off seniors enjoy a pleasant evening’s snooze. 

As of press time, an incredibly smashed Weiss was heard animatedly describing the event as “the best night of my life,” unaware of how correct he was.