CALGARY – Scouts report that life coach Tom Duggan is replacing his client, Simon Pike, after Pike turned in an incredibly underwhelming performance during the first half of his life. “Simon, I r…
Rhyming couplet seeks third
STRATFORD-UPON-AVON – Looking to spice up the poem they’re in, a rhyming couplet has posted an online classified that says “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall and had a great fall, but now we’re waiting…
The next Schitt’s Creek? Over four people have watched this new CBC show
TORONTO – CBC executives are celebrating the wild success of the network’s new sitcom, Living Around, which is now watched by well over most of two households. “Living Around is probably the firs…
Rogers beset by power struggle between guy who will raise your phone bill and guy who will raise your phone bill
TORONTO – Rogers Communications has been gripped by a power struggle that analysts have compared to the TV show Succession, in that everyone involved would spit on your corpse if there was profit…
Alberta demands ‘have-not’ provinces carry their share of its ICU patients
EDMONTON – As Alberta’s COVID hospitalisations hit a record high, Premier Jason Kenney has decried other provinces for not shouldering their fair share of the ICU load. “This is a ‘have’ provinc…
Bored construction worker fantasizes about standing behind different politician during campaign rally
ST. CATHARINES – Local construction worker Peter Wagner, who’s wearing a hardhat and standing with a neutral expression at Liberal MP Randall Turner’s campaign rally, has admitted he’s having fan…
B.C. man worried about how his shoulder will look in vaccine passport photo
VICTORIA – With British Columbians now able to sign up for vaccine passports, local paralegal Craig Sherman is worried about how his shoulder will look in its passport photo. Sherman, who briefly…
Ah, shit, wedding invite has lightsabers on it
EDMONTON – People invited to the Katie Carmichael-Chris Everett wedding were horrified to discover that the invitations featured lightsabers and X-Wings. “Jesus Christ, it says ‘Come celebrate a …
Liberals promise to make housing affordable for everyday Canadian millionaires
OTTAWA – The Liberal Party have announced their intent to ban foreign home-ownership for two years, ensuring that Canada’s housing stock will be reserved for everyday Canadians with seven f…
Canada changes national anthem to “O Fuck, Y’All, Here Comes Canada”
TOKYO – The Olympics’ closing ceremonies were interrupted by Canada’s confident new anthem, which announced itself with sirens and airhorns. After a hype man shouted “O fuck, y’all, here comes Ca…
