CALGARY – Local man Gary Delaney is refusing to tell anyone what his New Year’s resolutions are, because apparently he thinks he is a top secret government official who must protect his clo…
90% of local man’s texts just Rogers alerts
BARRIE – Local man Aarav Verma has done the math and determined that 9 out of every 10 texts he receives are notifications from his cell phone carrier about potential deals in his area. “I …
EDITORIAL: You have no fucking idea what you’re in for
By: 2017 Recently, millions of you have been posting online about how terrible 2016 has been. How mean and unfair and downright rude it has been to you. How it killed great celebrities, or was a …
Kevin O’Leary asks Putin for same deal Trump got
MOSCOW – A travel weary Kevin O’Leary arrived in Russia’s capital this morning in order to ask President Vladimir Putin for assistance becoming Tory leader and then PM of Canada…
Facebook year in review video just pictures of things on fire
EDMONTON – Local woman Carly Everton has advised that the year in review photo album automatically generated by Facebook to make people feel nostalgic is showing her nothing but photos of t…
Trump ‘thank you’ tour begins with stop at Macedonian fake news website
VELES – President-elect Donald Trump kicked off his tour to celebrate and thank the people who helped him get elected with a special stop at the Macedonian fake news website that had tricke…
Liberal man pretends to disagree with Donald Trump’s criticisms of SNL
AUSTIN – Following his fervent opposition to everything President-elect Donald Trump stands for, local liberal Witmer Monroe is facing his greatest challenge: having to defend NBC’s sketch …
Canada to take in American celebrities fleeing Trump in exchange for U.S. giving visas to our unemployed artists
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and President-elect Donald Trump have announced an ambitious new plan that will see Canada grant citizenship to the hundreds of celebrities who tweete…
Giving first speech at Queen’s Park, 19 year old MPP fails to hide boner
TORONTO – Newly elected MPP Sam Oosterhoff suffered his first political embarrassment this morning when was unable to hide his spontaneous erection while giving his first speech in the legi…
Health Canada to crack down on vaping in order to stop nation from looking lame
OTTAWA – The federal government plans to regulate the sale and consumption of e-cigarettes in order to stop Canadians from looking like a bunch of assholes all the time. “There are simply t…
