BY: STEPHEN HARPER, CANADA’S 22ND PRIME MINISTER
Over these past few months, as numerous candidates have announced their intention to run to replace me as leader of the Conservative Party, I have done a lot of reflecting. Also a lot of masturbating. But mostly reflecting. Should I stay neutral and let the members decide who to lead? Or should I use my influence to help shape the future of my beloved party?
Originally I chose to stay neutral, and let the chips fall where they may. But I can no longer do that. Not when the Party is threatened by outsiders like Kevin O’Leary, or people who actually say what I only thought like Kellie Leitch. And especially not when a candidate has entered that is so perfect, such a natural leader, like the Beaverton Corporation.
During my years in politics I came to one fundamental conclusion: humanity is weak and can not be trusted. That is why I always acted as much like a cyborg as possible. But even I never considered the possibility of having a leader with no soul whatsoever. A corporation, registered in the Philippines for tax purposes, whose directors are only interested in making a profit no matter the cost in blood and human appendages? Who could be a better choice for the next Prime Minister of Canada?
But it is not just the fact that they have a board of governors where their heart should be. I am also a huge fan of their policies, including their plan to frack Niagara Falls and eliminate Montreal.
So to my fellow Conservatives I ask that you join me in supporting the Beaverton Corporation. Let us come together and use the power of our dedication, organization and whiteness to elect the Beaverton and remove Justin Trudeau from power.