HAMILTON – Local construction worker Keith Lipiec insists the Confederate flag hanging from the truck located about 150 kilometres from the U.S. border is merely “a celebration of states’ r…
Apartment residents officially surrender to fruit fly occupation
CALGARY – Roommates Amir Reza, Ashley Barker, and Kyle Garland have officially drawn up terms of surrender to the fruit fly forces occupying their 3 bedroom apartment. “We, the human reside…
Man returns from European vacation with fantastic tales of what they have on Netflix
OTTAWA — Local office temp Ryan Graydon has returned from his first-ever trip to Europe eager to regale his friend with stories of the movies and TV shows available on European Netflix. “So…
Trump dreading performance review with Putin after signing Russia sanctions
WASHINGTON DC — After signing a bill aimed at punishing Russia for meddling in the 2016 election, President Donald Trump is reportedly “not looking forward” to an upcoming performance revie…
Anthony Scaramucci sets land speed record for fastest Trump Admin career immolation
WASHINGTON DC — Clocking in at just under 10 days on the job, White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci has completed a record-breaking run for destroying one’s entire career a…
Republican lawmakers call recess to play “Good Guys with guns vs Bad Guys with guns”
WASHINGTON D.C. — GOP lawmakers called for a short break in Congressional proceedings to go outside and play their favourite game: “Good Guys with guns vs Bad Guys with guns”. “The only thi…
Glowing red dot still at large, warn cat detectives
TORONTO – The Metropolitan Feline Police Force is warning cats that, despite their best investigative efforts, the suspect known only as “the glowing red dot” has yet to be captured. “The g…
Trudeau already regretting allowing hotel-less Trump to crash in his room
HAMBURG, GERMANY – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is reportedly “kicking himself” for offering to share his G20 hotel room with Donald Trump, after the American President’s staff fo…
Shadowy cabal agrees to buy bigger conference table
ZURICH – The clandestine organization of billionaire power brokers responsible for controlling the world’s destiny has reportedly decided to purchase a larger conference table. “The vote is…
Local dog spends weekend on couch binge-licking
KAMLOOPS – This past weekend saw Barkley, a Chocolate Labrador, spend nearly all of his waking hours on the couch, seemingly unable to stop cleaning his genitals with his tongue. The binge …
