OTTAWA — Following a report showing that Vancouver is now the least affordable housing market in North America, millions of Canadians have expressed relief that living there is no longer an option.
“My West Coast friends are always like, ‘You do yoga, you should move to Vancouver’, and I’d be stuck thinking ‘Yeah, but I don’t like yoga that much,’” explained Edmonton school teacher Sheila Myers. “Thanks to their skyrocketing housing affordability gap, I’ve finally got an all-purpose excuse.”
“I know you might be thinking ‘no one is going to force you to move to Vancouver,’ but that is what my friend Steve said and now he owns a kambucha bar in Yaletown,” she added.
Other Canadians agreed that they were glad to have been priced completely out of the city that everyone who bought a house thirty years ago agrees is the best. “Sure, Vancouver’s okay” explained William Marston of Halifax. “But like, other places also have mountains and weed. We get it.”
Polling shows that 90% of Canadians voiced relief over no longer being able to afford to buy or rent property in a city where you have to take the underground Skytrain for 2 hours just to find a bar open later than 9:30pm. The remaining 10% were Vancouver residents who spent an hour on the phone with the pollster explaining why Vancouver was so great.
“All Canadians live in fear that they may be forced, at some time in their life, to move to Vancouver,” explained Bank Of Canada financial expert Vanessa Singh, in Ottawa. “Whether they’ve fallen into the tech industry, or god forbid want to work as a background extra on The Flash, many Canadians find themselves trapped in Canada’s most insufferably healthy and oppressively ‘laid back’ city.”
“Now, most Canadians will never again run the risk of ending up the kind of person who jogs to an organic brunch only to discuss how many types of rain there are,” Singh added.
With Vancouver’s real estate prices showing no indication of dropping, experts warn the only Canadians at risk of having to move to Vancouver are seasonal snowboard instructors or frontmen for Chinese holding corporations.
Experts warn that soon most Canadians will also not be able to afford to live in Toronto, though “not soon enough.”