ST. JOHN’S – This week the people of Newfoundland held a press conference to confirm longstanding suspicions that their Christmas tradition of mummering, where residents disguise themselves and go house to house, is actually their version of the violent ritual known as “The Purge”.
“In fairness, the creepy masks were kind of a giveaway,” said Newfoundland Premier Dwight Ball, holding up an unsettling pillowcase with eye holes gouged into it. While mummering typically involves disguised groups travelling to their neighbours’ houses, then performing songs and dances, the more sinister elements of the Purge-related tradition have become difficult to ignore.
“There’s no use hiding it anymore,” explained Ball, as he hoisted a molotov cocktail made from a used bottle of screech. “We the people of Newfoundland are ready to concede that mummering, which we’ve passed off for decades as a quirky regional custom, is in fact 24 hours when all crime is legal.”
The Purge-like nature of mummers come as no surprise to anyone familiar with their menacing disguises and ritual home invasion. Still, many Newfoundlanders remain split on the origins of the murderous ritual. Some maintain that anger over having a time zone only one half hour forward bubbled over into a yearly orgy of arson, brutality, and kitchen jigs. Others insist that it was introduced in the 1980’s as a joke on an episode of CODCO, and then just caught on.
Whatever the origins, older Newfoundlanders are now sharing their fond memories of past dystopian mayhem. “One time me and the boys put on a bunch of them light-up masks, right spooky like, and tooled around the bay setting lobster fishing boats on fire,” explained Sandy McCallister, 52. “Out here on the Rock, we gotta make our own fun.”
In response to this Purge revelation, Broadway producers have announced plans for a sequel musical titled “Come From Away 2: Anarchy”.