John Tory stunned to learn he can’t send butler to vote for him - The Beaverton
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John Tory stunned to learn he can’t send butler to vote for him

— As Torontonians head to the polls, John Tory is reportedly shocked that he cannot send his butler, Reginald Percy Shillingsworth, to cast his ballot for him.

“What? You expect me, Jonathan Howard Tory III, to trudge down to the voting corral and place my ballot by hand, like some commoner? Well I never,” exclaimed the mayor of Toronto, upon hearing the .

“As my trusted manservant, Reginald will often see to my affairs in my stead,” Tory explained. “Answering correspondence, disciplining the rest of the staff, and sometimes acting in a mayoral capacity when I don’t wish to be bothered meeting the Toronto Arts Council, or other lowlife ruffians.”

Mayor Tory had reportedly planned to spend his afternoon at a cocktail cotillion held in his honour at the Toronto Club, before declaring that his plans had been ruined. “Reginald, fetch my voting gloves,” Tory called out to his butler before preparing to go out and vote.

As leader of Toronto for the past 4 years, Tory has often proclaimed that he is a “mayor for all Torontonians” in his campaign. “That’s right, I represent everyone: the business moguls, telecommunications barons, foreign speculators, heirs and heiresses – yes, I believe that’s everyone.” Tory added, “And if you doubt that I am truly a man of the people, don’t forget that I rode the subway train that one time.”

Tory also questioned whether mayoral opponent Jennifer Keesmaat would be allowed to send her butler to vote in her place. After being informed that Keesmaat does not employ a butler, Tory reportedly expressed disbelief. “What about her valet? Or her chamber pot emptier?”

“You mean she actually ties her own cravat in the morning? How novel,” Tory mused, before ordering Reginald to fetch him a pre-voting sherry.

Though Tory is currently leading in the polls, he still dismissed the idea that he would skip voting after being told he could not send his butler. “No no, we must set a good example for the Joe Lunchboxes and soot-covered urchins of this fair city.” Asked if that example would include or improvements to transit, Tory added, “No, not like that.”

Reached for comment, Tory’s butler Reginald Shillingsworth replied stiffly, “Very good, sir,” before holding open the exit door.

At press time, Mayor Tory is projected to win the Toronto mayoral by a comfortable margin, and claims he is excited to “forget about being mayor until the next election”