TORONTO — Following an attempted arson at the Radisson Toronto, which appeared to be inspired in part by Toronto Sun columns regarding refugees staying in the hotel, the Sun has offered a weekly editorial column to the yet unnamed hotel arsonist.
“While we still don’t know the identity of the attempted arsonist who tried to set fire to a hotel housing 577 refugees, we do feel like they’d be a great fit for the Toronto Sun’s editorial voice,” explained Sun editor, Adrienne Batra. “Then when we noticed the arsonist was too lazy to google ‘how to set a hotel fire’, we were like ‘When can you start?’”
“Plus, they demonstrated an irrational and borderline obsessive hatred of refugees, which is a prerequisite to write for the Sun,” Batra added.
The attempted fire was set on October 2nd at the Radisson Hotel Toronto East, after the Sun had published two columns by Sue Ann Levy citing numerous TripAdvisor reviews as proof that the asylum seekers were destroying the hotel. Despite the fact that reviews alleging refugees slaughtered goats in hotel rooms were proven to be fake, this has not prevented Levy from extending a “Toronto Sun welcome” to the attempted arsonist.
“Unnamed anti-refugee arsonist is willing to go places the liberal SJW media is too scared to,” enthused Levy. “If this arsonist can turn their literal anti-Muslim fire into metaphorical written anti-Muslim fire, then we here at the Sun could really use them.”
“Plus, the arsonist is already a hit with the alt-right and Infowars crowd. I guess I have some new competition,” exclaimed Levy, as she gritted her teeth.
Should the arsonist accept the Sun’s job offer, future columns would be expected to include “Why Kathleen Wynne deserves some arson”, “Why Bicycle Riders deserve some arson”, and “5 reasons 2019 will be the Blue Jays’ year”.
While the Sun’s column offer to the currently at-large arsonist has proven popular on 4Chan and other anti-Muslim blogs, the move has been condemned by white nationalist mayoral candidate Faith Goldy. “I’m the one who held a whole press conference about the dangerous refugees outside the hotel. But after one unsuccessful arson this jerk gets offered a Sun column? No fair!”
At press time the Toronto Sun has yet to receive an answer from the anti-refugee arsonist, though they have encouraged them to commit “one hate crime for ‘yes’, two for ‘no’.”