WASHINGTON D.C. — United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions has resigned at the president’s request, a move Trump took as a reward to himself after lasting 6 whole days since his last constitutional crisis.
“Ugh, I’ve been so good all week, and I just needed a fix,” President Trump was overheard saying as he passed reporters in the West Wing. The president’s most recent constitutional crisis occurred the previous week, when he ordered troops to wait for a migrant caravan at the border in advance of the midterm elections.
White House insiders report that Trump has accelerated to a rate of approximately one constitutional crisis per week, though will often sneak a midnight crisis before bed time. In the case of firing Sessions, which Trump has expressed a desire to do for months, the president reportedly declared today a “cheat day” before indulging himself.
Alongside firing Sessions Trump’s day also included screaming at journalists, pardoning Republican operatives convicted of financial crimes, and eating several Big Macs.
While Trump has previously indulged in numerous constitutional crises, including his various unconstitutional muslim bans, his claims that he could end birthright citizenship, and the time he stared at an eclipse without eye protection, sources claim his appetites are only increasing.
“He keeps talking about a really big constitutional crisis for his birthday. Like, ‘declaring war on Saskatchewan’ big,” claimed one advisor close to the president.