REPORT: Earth in Retrograde - The Beaverton
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REPORT: Earth in Retrograde

TORONTO – When is in , it appears as though the planet closest to the sun is orbiting the backwards. This phenomenon has become a catchall explanation for why people, particularly , endure heightened hardships four-times a year, but a new report suggests that Mercury’s orbit might not be the problem.

As arguments, cancellations and shoddy tech support rage the world over, many have been quick to write it off as a byproduct of Mercury being back in retrograde. However, Mercury doesn’t begin its backslide until July 26th, leading astrologists to the shocking conclusion that Earth itself is the problem.

One of Canada’s top astrologists Dr. Divina Moonbeam said, “This is totally uncharted territory. I can’t say for certain what will happen now that Earth is in retrograde, but I know it can’t be good. Until we figure out exactly what’s going on, I recommend that people throw out their computers and phones and hide under their beds until their local astrologist tells them it’s safe to come out.”

Those who do not heed Dr. Moonbeam’s warning risk getting into a verbal altercation, getting stood up and quite possibly even dropping their phone in wet cement.

Astrologists are working around the clock to find a solution to the issue, but for now it appears that the only feasible way of avoiding Earth’s backslide is to leave the planet entirely.

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