OTTAWA — A week after U.S. Ambassador to Canada Pete Hoekstra warned Canada about interfering in the upcoming U.S. midterms, Hoekstra took things one step further, announcing that for every state President Trump loses in the elections, he would personally be annexing one Canadian province.
“You meddling fucks have left me no choice,” Hoekstra shouted at the press assembled outside of the embassy. “I asked you politely to stay out of our elections, a thing that you were definitely doing and that I have a lot of evidence for, but you just couldn’t resist sticking your maple syrupy fingers into America’s freedom pie.”
“Well, let’s see how smug you’ll be about this when Trump loses Maine and I annex Saskatchewan,” Hoekstra spat, face turning a shade of red that could only be described as ‘Republican Rage’.
“I’m gonna steal your stupid province and name it something cool and American, like ‘Cybertruck,’ or ‘Wawa’. And if Ohio goes blue, we’re taking Ontario, because they’re both known for amusement parks, and Daddy Hoekstra loves to ride the coasters!”
Hoekstra took a second to check a message on his phone before continuing. “I was going to annex Ontario if Florida went to the Democrats, but I actually just got a text from Danielle Smith that said she would be more than willing to give me Alberta for it if it meant the separatists would, and I quote, ‘get off her fucking back.’”
“Plus, she would get to visit Mar-a-Lago more often, or as she calls it, the ‘Calgary Stampede of the South.’ It’s nice that at least one of your goddamn politicians understands not to mess with us.”
At press time, Quebec had just issued a statement that if Hoekstra tried to annex them, they would drown him in the St. Lawrence River and turn his flesh into cute little maple syrup candies.
