VICTORIA – The electorate of British Columbia – a province with a population of roughly 5.7 million – has officially and heroically voted against its own self-interest with the sole intention of teaching one individual an important lesson.
Said individual is outgoing premier David Eby, who in a display of catastrophic arrogance believed he could use his existing majority to call a snap election and sail to victory – however observers are concurring that Eby has instead learned what it’s like to shoot one’s self in the dick after loudly declaring “safeties are for dames.”
Eric Shawn is the founder of One White Life Matters, an organization dedicated to teaching costly lessons to overconfident and mediocre white guys who almost always seems to be politicians. Shawn was quick to acknowledge the historic groundswell in B.C. that was necessary to make this movement successful.
“To be honest, I wasn’t sure we’d get there,” admitted Shawn. “I mean, after the year we’ve had, to get people to vote for Incumbent Premier What’s-His-Name of the Basically-Pro-Wildfire Party was far from a given. But to see every single British Columbian come together to teach this one dummy about hubris, no matter the cost to all of us, was truly inspiring.”
“I particularly want to thank the marginalized communities, who will suffer disproportionately and won’t ever experience any direct benefit, since the person we taught the lesson to will likely never hold public office again.”
Also acknowledging the historic nature of this group effort was UBC Professor of Literature Darryl Urbach, who noted this is not at all how lessons of hubris are traditionally taught.
“If you look at the classic examples of characters learning about hubris, like Icarus or Arachne, they basically suffer the consequences of their actions alone,” said Urbach. “Really, the closest parallel in literature we can find to what happened here was how those spirits in A Christmas Carol apparently let Scrooge be a shitheel for decades and ruin countless lives, all so when they finally taught him a lesson, it’d really stick. But of course, those townsfolk didn’t make the choice. We British Columbians did, so kudos for us.”
When reached for comment and asked if he’d learned anything about hubris, David Eby blithely replied, “All I know is now I’m going to focus on my real passions: NFTs, crypto, AI, and whatever Elon Musk is working on. What could go wrong?”
