Friend with young kids clearly fantasizing about murdering you as you describe how boring isolation has been - The Beaverton

Friend with young kids clearly fantasizing about murdering you as you describe how boring isolation has been

Brandon, MB – Sofie, your friend with two children under the age of 5, clearly spent most of last night’s call thinking of ways to murder you as you talked about how calm and uneventuful isolating at home has been.

“Oh man, I have nothing to do all day but sit around and watch Netflix,” you said as Sofie wondered whether hitmen qualified as an essential service and are therefore still working. “It’s like, I actually have too much time for myself, you know?”

“At least my house has never been cleaner!” you added in a great impression of Chief Brody throwing some more chum into the ocean.

Life in quarantine has been very different for those who are parents and those who aren’t. For the childless it has mostly meant watching tv shows and movies they like, and getting drunk while forgetting which day of the week it is. For parents it has mostly meant chasing their children who should be in daycare or school around the house as they destroy it, and then googling rare poisons they can send to their childless friends who complain about their lives right now.

“Yeah, I can see how smoking a joint and taking a long bath wouldn’t be as fun the 4th time you do it. That must… suck for you,” said Sofie as her hands instinctively curled into a choking grip.

Sofie added that she can relate because every day this week her youngest has pooped on the floor while she was frantically trying to make dinner and clean the kitchen, which is basically the same thing.

Of course when Sofie started going on and on about how her kids keep her too busy to constantly read news stories about mortality rates and feel existential dread about the state of the world it was all you could do to refrain from trying to put your hands into the computer and slap her silly across the internet.