OTTAWA — Minutes before President Trump’s midnight deadline, tariff talks between Canada and the United States that you assumed failed weeks ago failed.
Prime Minister Carney addressed the nation this morning, explaining how the trade talks that all Canadians had understandably assumed were concluded “way back before the new Spider-Man was in theatres” had in fact only been torpedoed by the Trump Administration late last night.
“I know these trade talks are infuriatingly cyclical and hard to keep track of. Believe me, I know,” noted a visibly-exhausted Carney.
“Unfortunately, it turns out that a man who’s never upheld a deal in his life wasn’t willing to uphold a deal,” the Prime Minister said. “But we remain optimistic that we can trick him into an agreement that’s basically NAFTA again because his name is in the document a lot.”
Prime Minister Carney vowed that Canada would respond with its own tariffs and refuse to return to the negotiating table until President Trump has had his third nap of the day.
Speaking to CBC News, Minister of Internal Trade Dominic LeBlanc further outlined the talks that Canadians had completely written off weeks ago. “While we were close to a deal, one of the President’s cabinet members, who is also one of the President’s in-laws, who is also one of the President’s no-bid contractors, who is also one of the President’s sources of bribes, who is also one of the President’s preferred salesmen of sketchy testosterone supplements for neo-Nazis, raised last-minute objections, and the whole thing was scuttled.”
LeBlanc added, “He said we ‘weren’t conceding enough yogurt’, whatever that means.”
Canada will now be subject to 50% tariffs on a variety of key industries until a new trade deal is reached, someone in the United States remembers to apply its own laws, or President Trump gets distracted and suggests turning Greenland into a ballroom.
“The Banff Springs still owes me golf clubs,” the President said when asked for further comment.
Canadians have expressed anger at how the United States has treated Canada in trade talks, and shock that we were even still bothering with them.
“I thought we gave up after Trump said Canada was an Axis Power during the Gulf War,” Gilbert Holmes, of Ottawa, said.
“Then there was the time he said we were all much ruder than the trade delegation from National Geographic,” added Kathy Hogle, of Moose Jaw.
At press time, leaders of the Democratic opposition said that if elected they would deport as many Canadians as it took to get Jack Daniel’s back on Canadian liquor store shelves.
