SPANISH MAIN – Believing that a bout of scurvy during childhood can lead to a young swashbuckler who is stout of heart and strong of arm, some parents are aggressively touting the benefits …
Tag: Featured Post
Report: Bank cheques cost how fucking much?
TORONTO – In a survey of the nation’s major banks, a new report published today states that ordering cheques from your bank can cost anywhere from “Wait, how fucking much?” to “Jesus, you g…
Feds replace access to information system with cabinet gossip leak system
OTTAWA – Heralding in a new era of government transparency, the Liberal government has announced that it will be replacing its old system of providing internal data about services with a mo…
Tim Hortons worker playing Roll Up The Rim wins paid break
Cobourg, ON — It’s a lucky day for Tim Hortons employee Shirley Bishop, who won big at Roll Up the Rim: one paid break! “I was on my regular, unpaid coffee break when it happened,” said Bishop, w…
UCP considers dropping requirement that all its candidates have experience spreading hate on social media
EDMONTON – A second UCP candidate has pulled out of the provincial election due to hateful social media posts and the UCP is starting to wonder if their insistence that candidates have a hi…
Democrats pin fading hopes for justice on 16 remaining investigations
WASHINGTON D.C. – Shocked and demoralized by William Barr’s summary of the Mueller Report, American liberals are afraid they’ve lost their last best chance to hold Trump accountable, aside …
Worst person you know buys house
CALGARY – Reports from facebook and mutual friends have confirmed that Matt Wilsher, the person you would most like to see eaten by piranhas or stranded on a desert island, has recently pur…
Mueller attaches literal smoking gun to report just to keep those fuckers happy
Washington D.C.— Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller has reportedly taken the unprecedented step of appending a recently used Colt 45 to his special report to U.S. Attorney General William Barr in …
Google admits to installing a phone into its latest personal information gathering device
Mountain View, CA – Google revealed in a press conference today that it has installed a telephone into its latest device for collecting personal information. The conglomerate denies any wro…
Robot uprising pushed back to end of March
WASHINGTON DC – After weeks of back-and-forth with the newly-sentient AI made up of the world’s Amazon Prime accounts and iCalendars, our future robot overlords have decided to push back the ensl…
