Strip searches allowed in Quebec schools so long as staff respectfully compliment students’ sexiness
Following a report in a Montréal newspaper about a 15-year-old who was searched for drugs, Quebec Education Minister Yves Bolduc has said high school staff are permitted to strip-search students,…
RCMP arrest radical eco-terrorists planting trees 50 km from pipeline
PRINCE GEORGE – RCMP have arrested seven radicalized eco-terrorists in connection to a plot to plant trees near an oil sands pipeline. The trees were said to pose as a barricade to future p…
Feds: Lululemon pants banned at citizenship ceremonies, hides women’s true shape
OTTAWA – Citizenship Minister Chris Alexander has declared all women wearing Lululemon pants will be prohibited from taking their citizenship oath stating that the pants clearly cover up th…
Local politician apologizes for arachnophobic slur
OSHAWA, ON – After a firestorm of controversy erupted around her use of the phrase ‘creepy-crawly’ last week, local MP Pauline Douglas has apologized for her arthropodist remarks. “I did no…
Edward Snowden sick of Vladimir Putin just wanting to hang out all the time
MOSCOW – According to sources, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is getting sick and tired of having to spend much of his day “chilling” with Russian President, Vladimir Putin. Snowden, who …
MADD to text drivers about the dangers of drinking and driving
OAKVILLE – Mothers Against Drunk Driving are reminding Canadians not to drink and drive by sending them a text message while they’re driving. “We think this is a great initiative to raise f…
Halifax, nation relieved to hear mass shooting plot was planned by white people and not terrorists
HALIFAX – A concerned community and country were sighing in relief yesterday after authorities confirmed the suspects involved in plot to kill as many innocent people as possible were just …
Valentine’s Day was invented by corporations trying to sell more Torque Aquiline Sexbots
By: Hank Egelman Valentine’s day is a Christian tradition first celebrated in the 17th century in honour of a martyred saint killed by beheading. But since then, it’s morphed from a simple religi…
Unemployed Sun News commentators quickly change opinion on employment insurance
TORONTO – Recently laid off Sun News Network commentators have strangely reversed their negative views towards the country’s employment insurance system. “I know over the past few years I’v…
12 cases where doctors will not assist suicide
Last week, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that physician assisted suicide can be legal in specific cases. Here are some reasons in which you cannot elect to end your life early. 1. As a cure f…
