Valentine’s Day was invented by corporations trying to sell more Torque Aquiline Sexbots
By: Hank Egelman Valentine’s day is a Christian tradition first celebrated in the 17th century in honour of a martyred saint killed by beheading. But since then, it’s morphed from a simple religi…
Unemployed Sun News commentators quickly change opinion on employment insurance
TORONTO – Recently laid off Sun News Network commentators have strangely reversed their negative views towards the country’s employment insurance system. “I know over the past few years I’v…
12 cases where doctors will not assist suicide
Last week, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that physician assisted suicide can be legal in specific cases. Here are some reasons in which you cannot elect to end your life early. 1. As a cure f…
Single man buys special Valentine’s Day bag of Tostitos
CHURCHILL, MA – Local man Ryan Booker has finalized his Valentine’s Day plans this year by pre-purchasing the special bag of tortilla chips that he will eat on his own during the most…
Vancouver homeless man glad Tim Hortons owner doused him in water instead of shitty coffee
VANCOUVER – A homeless man who was doused by water by a Tim Hortons owner is relieved at not having been exposed to the chain’s brown caffeinated water. “Sure, I’ve suffered the indignity of havi…
Study: 30% of Millennials already squatting in their dream homes
MONTREAL – A new study from McGill shows that Canada’s economy may be bouncing back, finding that nearly one-third of Millennials are already illegally living in million, or multimill…
Trudeau forgets to google ‘Eve Adams’ before welcoming her into Liberal Party
OTTAWA – Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau failed to conduct a google search on former Conservative MP Eve Adams before allowing her to cross the floor into the Liberal Party. “Oh, shit!” a wid…
Stonemill Bakery’s ‘Bread for Women’ same as man bread, but with 30% less dough
SCARBOROUGH – An independent investigation has found that Scarborough-based Stonemill Bakery’s new ‘Women’s Wellness’ pre-packaged bread is identical to the men’s va…
Healthiest option in office vending machine is Doritos
EDMONTON – A scientific survey of the available foodstuffs in your office vending machine has found that the most nutritious food item on offer is Doritos. “At first we thought, what could …
Harper calls for doctor-assisted suicide of Supreme Court justices
OTTAWA – After a Supreme Court ruling that will permit doctor-assisted suicide for terminally ill patients, Stephen Harper has agreed and will first start with the Supreme Court justices. “…
