Uncle just calling to say ‘how’s it going’, ‘9/11 was an inside job’ - The Beaverton

Uncle just calling to say ‘how’s it going’, ‘9/11 was an inside job’

MARMORA, ON – After not having seen the family since Christmas, Dave has decided to just call and see what’s up, as well as remind you that he thinks was perpetrated by the U.S. government.

“Yeah, Ol’ Daisy’s still doing great,” said Uncle Dave, about his 14-year-old springer spaniel. “Also, jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.”

Since the last time you spoke, Uncle Dave’s curling team has won bronze in its local league, he and Aunt Linda have continued to be divorced, and Barack Obama has somehow become the mastermind of the September 11th terrorist attacks.

“Well, not the mastermind, per se,” Uncle Dave said. “But just ask yourself: who benefits?”

Sources close to Uncle Dave say that lengths of red yarn are now linking every piece of paper on the corkboard in his back room, including your family’s holiday card.

“Well anyway, just wanted to check in, make sure you guys were all doing okay,” Uncle Dave concluded. “ was supposed to be in the towers that morning, but his contacts in the Freemasons smuggled him out so he could trick the world into believing in global warming, love you, bye.”

At press time, Uncle Roy had also called just to say hey, and to remind you that he makes more money than anyone else in the family.