TORONTO – After witnessing a myriad of kickass promotional materials and entire seconds of new footage in the latest trailer, area man Matthew Gertz is still refusing to express hyperbolic excitement for Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
“It looks like it will be a very fun, effective action film,” said the stick in the mud Gertz. “I just think that people might be setting themselves up for disappointment.”
The contemptible party pooper went on to explain how Force Awakens will likely not replicate past Star Wars films, apparently because of the unique circumstances that went into the making of those films. Furthermore, Gertz had the gall to suggest that the Force Awakens could be its own movie and that that “would be okay.”
“Yeah, Matt’s really full of it with this “tempering my expectations” thing,” said local man Paul Brody, who admits to pretending to use the Force every time he encounters an automatic door. “This is the same story he tried to sell me back in 2001, and maybe he was right that time, but did that movie have Kylo Ren!?”
Gertz has reported that after expressing his opinions on the upcoming film, several friends have become more attentive and have tried to regularly check up on him.
“Last week Stacy sent me an article about how depression is not a sign of weakness,” said Gertz. “My boss has even offered me paid leave. I’ll probably enjoy the movie, honestly!”
Other acquaintances of Gertz have not had the same reaction. Many question the intentions behind his mild critiques and casual film analysis.
“If you ask me, Matthew is just jealous,” said co-worker Stacey Davidson. “Case in point: this summer he said that he loved Ant Man, but he still had criticisms for it. The guy must be a real psycho.”
At press time Gertz had disgusted friends and family by suggesting they give Ben Affleck a chance in the upcoming Batman vs. Superman.
