Hamilton, ON – As rolling blackouts leave entire neighbourhoods sweating in the dark, local landlord Gary Feltch has reassured his tenant that the air conditioning unit he has failed to repair f...
Overconfident Carney vows to win 3 more U.S. midterm races after Liberal by-election sweep
OTTAWA – Following a clean sweep of last night’s 3 by-elections, Prime Minister Mark Carney immediately declared that his Liberal party would also pick up 3 additional seats in this Novemb...
Man with 500 day Duolingo streak surprised real Spanish conversations not multiple choice
COSTA RICA – A Vancouver man boasting a 500-day Duolingo streak was stunned to discover during a recent vacation that conversations with real Spanish speakers are not, in fact, multiple choice. The ma...
Google Maps changes name to Lake America after people start to forget tech giants also pretty awful
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Google Maps has changed the name of Lake Ontario to “Lake America” for their U.S. users, after realizing President Trump’s willful malevolence had distracte...
Canada’s nerds demand state funeral for Montreal-born voice of Optimus Prime
OTTAWA – Following news of the passing of Montreal-born actor Peter Cullen, best known as the voice of Optimus Prime, nerds across Canada are demanding Ottawa hold a state funeral for the late p...
Carney to rename rest of Great Lakes as “Lake Legal Adult” so Trump will never want to touch them
OTTAWA – After Donald Trump signed an executive order renaming Lake Ontario “Lake America,” Prime Minister Mark Carney announced he would preemptively rename the rest of the Great Lakes as “Lake...
Mitch McConnell speaks out about Canada bourbon ban with help of ventriloquist aide
WASHINGTON D.C. – Nearly 3 months after being hospitalized and retreating from public, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) has broken his silence regarding Canadian bans on Kentucky bourbon with the ...
Report: Tim Curry’s death to be investigated by suspicious group of eccentrics gathering at his house
LOS ANGELES – Following the death of beloved 80-year-old British actor Tim Curry, observers have noted a coterie of anonymous upper crust suspects arriving at his mansion in order to investigate...
Polyamorous vegan baristas and conservative uncles unite in memory of Dolly Parton
DOLLYWOOD – Following the passing of beloved country music icon and humanitarian Dolly Parton, millions of tattooed urban progressive cyclists have joined in profound mourning alongside open car...
BREAKING: Doug Ford challenges Donald Trump to a corruption fight in the school parking lot
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario’s premier has officially challenged the President of the United States to a corruption fight in a parking lot behind a local Etobicoke high school. After two days of Donal...
