WASHINGTON D.C. – Nearly 3 months after being hospitalized and retreating from public, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) has broken his silence regarding Canadian bans on Kentucky bourbon with the help of a new ventriloquist senatorial aide as well as several heavy cables.
McConnell, who has no spoken publicly since suffering a fall and “mild case of pneumonia”, sat bolt upright on the knee of his new tuxedo-clad aide, The Great Brando, addressing journalists with his trademark stiff posture and lower jaw flapping up and down.
“Hi everyone, it’s me, Senator Mitch McConnell! I’m here to talk about how Canadians love Kentucky bourbon, and also how much I’ve been alive this whole time,” explained the former Senate leader, who was also quick to point out how his new aide’s lips were not moving at all. “Hey Canadian premiers, start selling our delicious bourbon again, and also can everyone stop trying to access my medical records! Yaaay!”
While his new aide conspicuously sipped a glass of water, McConnell fielded journalist questions, threatened future trade sanctions on Canada, and told knock-knock jokes, all while never once blinking. Several D.C. journalists remarked on the press conference:
“Senator McConnell had harsh words for Canada’s premiers, but an even harsher odor for us assembled journalists,” noted NBC’s Kate Santaliz.
“I really don’t want to think about where that aide’s right hand was lodged,” said C-SPAN’s Craig Caplan.
“This is gonna work so great when President Trump dies in office,” added Fox News’ Mike Emanuel.
In a related story, no one is speaking out in spoort of American beer because it sucks.
