Trump assures nation his lungs ‘filled with the best fluids’

WASHINGTON, D.C – Reacting to the news that Hillary Clinton has been diagnosed with pneumonia after fainting, Republican nominee Donald Trump has taken the opportunity to boast about his pu…

Freshman student really pours his heart out during Name Game

MONTREAL – Dennis Lawson, a first-year student at McGill university, accidentally bared his soul to his floor-mates during a routine “Name Game” at a residence mixer. “The game was pretty s…

Report: Ontario Liberal throne speech somehow $120 million over budget

TORONTO – The Ontario Liberals attempt turn a new page with Ontarians hit a snag today after they somehow spent $120 million more than intended on the announcement for their Throne Speech. …

New roommate apparently into banjo

MONTREAL – Having only recently moved into an apartment near McGill University, second year Geography student Natasha Ingersoll has been distressed to discover that her new roommate is appa…

Royal Couple unable to find accommodations, to house-sit in Yukon

WHITEHORSE – The opportunity of a lifetime awaits a Yukon homeowner with a room or better yet house to spare after the Royal Couple were unable to find any hotel accommodations for their st…

Woman standing in line outside of bar getting 90% of TIFF experience

TORONTO – Alexandra Adkins couldn’t go to a TIFF gala on Friday night, but the enterprising young woman managed to find a suitable alternative: standing in line outside The Porch nightclub …

Giant Panda removed from endangered list, added to food chain

BEIJING – After decades of conservation efforts experts in China have announced that the giant panda population has finally returned to a level at which they can now be consumed by humans a…

Wedding guests unsure if centerpieces supposed to look like dicks

MILTON—Guests at the wedding of Tom Maston and Sarah Croft have begun to experience genuine confusion about whether or not the cactus and limonium centerpieces are intentionally designed to resem…

Private-clinic doctor calls for constitutional challenge to the Hippocratic Oath

VANCOUVER – Private-clinic owner Dr. Brian Day has called for a constitutional challenge for an oath he says is a relic of the past, no longer useful in today’s society. “There’s so much in…

Phoenix pay system makes generous $1.5 billion charitable donation with unpaid public servants salaries

OTTAWA – After kicking off the Government Charitable Workplace Campaign for all public servants, the Public Service Commission has announced that new Phoenix Pay System has made a very cons…