OHIO – With thousands of Americans using the election of Donald Trump to justify the most atrocious kinds of behaviour, local man Derek Jensen says he now feels fully justified in defecating wherever he wants to.
“That’s right, everybody, it’s our country again, so get with the program or get out,” said Jensen, shitting. “And that goes for everybody in this food court.”
While some would say the success or failure of a given political candidate should have no bearing on basic standards of human decency, that hasn’t stopped thousands of Americans and Canadians from shouting racial slurs on public transit, defacing the homes of minorities with hate symbols, or, in Jensen’s case, heaving out a half-kilogram of warm thunder wherever and whenever the muse takes him.
“Go home to whatever backwards country you came from,” Jensen said to a woman in a hijab, while spattering the pavement between his ankles with corn-studded hatred, in accordance with a right he believes he has. “We’re civilized here.”
Jensen’s defenders say the effects of globalization have given him good reason to want to shit all over everything, but even they are hard-pressed to justify his decision to scoot across the public library carpet like a dog, leaving skid marks in the shape of the confederate flag behind him.
While some blame Donald Trump for setting a bad example, others say the President Elect hasn’t been that bad since his handlers forced him to start wearing a diaper.