SACKVILLE, NB – Early reports indicate that everybody on Earth had achieved all they wanted to do this summer. Well everyone except you. According to sources every single human alive had made ti...
Best Eclipse Ever! The sun hasn’t been seen for 27 hours
WORLDWIDE – Y’all, the party of the decade, century, and millennium is still going strong as the total solar eclipse enters its 28th hour. Temperatures have fallen by about 10 degrees, but as lo...
Calgary airport tows away passenger in wheelchair for waiting in Lexus-only boarding area
CALGARY – The Calgary Airport Authority has towed away an 87-year-old passenger in a wheelchair for placing himself in the Lexus owners-only boarding area while waiting for a flight to Toronto. ...
Spanx releases new shapewear to smooth out unsightly face fat
ATLANTA – In a press conference earlier today, pioneering shapewear company Spanx unveiled a new shapewear product designed to tone and tighten facial fat for a smoother, more put-together look. “Our ...
BREAKING: 23 mall-goers hospitalized after succumbing to Cinnabon fumes
TORONTO – Emergency crews rushed to the Dufferin Mall earlier today in response to reports that nearly two dozen mall patrons had succumbed to fumes emitted by the shopping centre’s Cinnabon, re...
EXCLUSIVE: Donald Trump’s 13 deleted eclipse tweets
WASHINGTON D.C. – President Donald Trump once again ignored the desires of his staff today, taking to social media to unleash a tweet-storm during today’s total eclipse. While the tweets have si...
Typical: Millennials just want to stare at the eclipsed sun without putting in the hard work of worshipping it
By Harvey Prun of the Third House of the Sunseekers I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said before when I point out that Millennials expect everything to just be given to them from jobs to healt...
Rational Alex Jones shows how the Bilderbergs and Illuminati control everything
Alec Jonas is back with another episode of BeaverWars....
If only Jerry Lewis had died 20 years ago we’d have a lot of good things to say about him
By: Henry Clarkson This morning we learned of the death of legendary comedian Jerry Lewis and I think I speak for the entire world when I say that if this was 1997, I would have been really bummed out...
Man losing valiant struggle against burrito
CALGARY – Fighting the urge to just give up and walk away in shame, a local man is currently in the midst of a heroic – but losing – battle to finish the rest of his burrito. At firs...
