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Best Eclipse Ever! The sun hasn’t been seen for 27 hours

WORLDWIDE – Y’all, the party of the decade, century, and millennium is still going strong as the total solar enters its 28th hour. Temperatures have fallen by about 10 degrees, but as long as you keep dancing, you’ll barely notice.

Government officials of all nations are mad af and asking people to stop chopping down trees and pulling down structures to add to the massive conflagrations popping up all over the globe, but I ask you, what’s a party without a kickass bonfire? Still, plan ahead, don’t destroy anything you might need to cower inside of later when the party starts to wind down.

While those nerds at NASA are trying to figure out if they should blow up the moon (which it totally deserves because it is throwing major shade at us [lol]) or launch giant mirrors or whatever, partiers everywhere are tackling the real problem: a dwindling supply of glow sticks. Luckily, as global temperatures approach 0 (first Celsius, then Fahrenheit, then Kelvin), you’ll soon be able to put the old freezer method of refreshing them without even leaving the party!

Anyone in an area that relies on solar energy is, duh, out of luck, but wind power generation is way up as mysterious, howling gales sweep across the increasingly desolate landscape, so until the turbines blow apart as entropy sweeps the globe, remember to keep your phones charged and speakers cranked up to 11, fam.

If you’re thinking about joining one of the roving gangs of darkness worshippers, don’t just mount up with the first cutie who rides in on a bike made of human bones. There’s nothing worse than leaving a lit party only to find out the reavers you hooked up with worship Lord of the Abyss Zamurtha when you’re so much more into Naar, the all consuming sickness at the centre of existence.

Now, some bad news: don’t let it ruin your buzz, but there are a few scattered reports of eyeless creatures emerging from sewers, wells, mines, you know, all your basic dark holes. So, yeah, you might wanna avoid holes. You know, stick close to the fires, snuggle up with bae, enjoy yourself!

But, seriously, avoid holes and anything that comes out of them. Especially if it calls to you in your mother’s voice.

BREAKING: We wrote a fucking book