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Typical: Millennials just want to stare at the eclipsed sun without putting in the hard work of worshipping it

By Harvey Prun of the Third House of the Sunseekers

I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said before when I point out that expect everything to just be given to them from jobs to health insurance to promotions. This Tuesday offers up yet another example of egregious entitlement: they expect to be able to stare into the solar without having lifted a finger to make it happen. Just as in so many other instances, hard-working men and women have spent their lives diligently worshiping the sun, only to be expected to share the fruits of their labour with a generation that will probably just watch it through their phone screens without so much as a ritual salutation of thanks.

It’s time Millennials woke up: the sun doesn’t just shine down on you because you’re special, it shines down on you because you’ve spent long, hard years sacrificing small animals and offering up chants of praise in each morning to ensure its return. Previous generations have put blood, sweat and tears into making the sun come out each day. (Specifically, we have placed blood, sweat and tears in tiny bottles and tossed them into an effigy of the sun we burn each year.)

Getting to stare at the blockage of the sun’s light doesn’t happen by magic. It happens because a prophecy was foretold, and thousands of loyal sun vessels have devoted their lives to praising the sun so that one, blessed day, we might see the beautiful eclipse this afternoon.

So Millennials, I have one piece of advice for you. If you like the solar eclipse this afternoon, do us all a favour—go out and build your own next time. Get your own shrouds of suncloth and begin your own song of praise. Don’t expect others to do it for you. Maybe some day, you’ll be looking up at a solar eclipse and will experience the genuine pride and fulfillment that can only come from knowing you made it happen yourself.

BREAKING: We wrote a fucking book