Christ sees shadow, predicts 6 more weeks of Easter

JERUSALEM – After spending three days sheltered in his underground tomb, Jesus Christ, Our Lord in Heaven, saw His shadow, which means six more weeks of Easter. “Here he comes, here he come…

Local strapless bra’s woman just going to slide up all night

TORONTO- Despite its best efforts to stay in place, a local strapless bra is spending its entire evening trying to keep club-goer Darla Smith from sliding out of its supportive grip. “They keep p…

Frightened Cheerio enters uncharted void between plastic bag and cereal box

UNKNOWN —  A routine voyage to The Bowl was beset by tragedy this morning, when a straggling Cheerio fell into the unmapped nether region between the plastic bag and cereal box. The oat morsel wa…

Jennifer Lawrence hopes Tommy Grant of Glendale, AZ asks her to prom

BEVERLY HILLS — A-List Hollywood actress Jennifer Lawrence is reportedly waiting for an elaborate viral promposal video from 17-year-old high school student Tommy Grant, of Glendale, Arizon…

Unhinged authoritarian son of privilege plans missile launch against same

WASHINGTON/ PYONGYANG — Reports indicate that an egomaniacal dynastic head of state with a tenuous grip on reality is planning to launch missiles at essentially the exact same person from a…

Montreal celebrates 50th anniversary of 325th anniversary celebrations

MONTREAL – Celebrations have already started for Montreal’s 50th anniversary of the 325th birthday celebrations since the city was first colonized by Europeans. 1967 was a big year for cele…

How To: Survive Finals Week

  If you were stupid enough to pursue higher education, this is the video you need.…

Study: average spider swallows 10 smaller spiders per year while sleeping

GUELPH, ON — A recent study found that spiders are vital to the environment due to the large amount of insects they consume — including 10 smaller spiders per year they ingest while sleepin…

Report: It not supposed to make that sound

THE GARAGE – A report commissioned after everyone listened to it and wondered if maybe it’s supposed to make that sound has concluded that “no, it is not.” “It is designed to operate …

Leafs playoff berth gives hope to man who has also sucked for decades

TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs rise to young playoff team has encouraged Henry Fawcett, a 57-year-old who has been finishing out of the playoffs of life for many years now. “I mean, if t…