OTTAWA – Scientists are nearing completion on another planet-wide study on climate change, but say they require the opinion of a “real stupid idiot” in order to complete their work.
“We’ve spent months conducting research and analyzing the data,” explained Dr. Naomi Prashad. “So we’re nearly there. We just need the assistance of a total brow-furrowing goddamn dolt to point out any shortcomings in our work.”
Other team members echoed that the only thing missing from their painstaking efforts were a sufficient number of ramblings from loudmouth naysayers, shouting their uninformed opinions: for example, why climate change is a hoax despite ample evidence, or why funding towards climate research should be removed so that the wealthy can enjoy a tax cut.
“We’ve interviewed some cretins and dumb-dumbs,” said Dr. Neil Bromstead in describing their search. “We’ve sifted through a ton of online gibberish from some real ten-out-of-ten chowderheads on the subject, in order to make sure our experiment stands on sound footing.”
While encouraged by the process so far, the team feels that they have not found a suitably inexperienced, angry simpleton to unleash a number of poorly-written paragraphs on Facebook, railing against their findings. They added that they would also be happy to welcome a nincompoop attempting to film a gotcha-style video.
“It’s just very useful, to be forced to address the most ignorant views from ninnies who have done no work of their own,” Prashad noted. “Look at the breakthroughs NASA is experiencing right now: gravitational waves, new solar systems – and they’ve had to spend a ton of time acknowledging flat-earthers. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.”
The study reached a potential breakthrough late today, upon the discovery of a man who went blind staring at the sun to prove it wasn’t getting any hotter.
