TFC’s Giovinco tragically unable to stop scoring goals in everyday life
TORONTO – Despite not having played a game in several days, Toronto FC forward Sebastian Giovinco’s body has not allowed him to stop scoring goals, netting thirty-two in total across venues…
7 YTV PJ’s that are still alive
Remember when YTV was full of the most hilarious, entertaining and chewing gum based personalities? They were called PJs and we loved them all. Sadly, most are now long dead but let’s check in an…
TTC to implement “surge pricing”
TORONTO – Faced with a multi-million dollar budget shortfall and decreasing ridership, the Toronto Transit Commission is looking to raise funds and control congestion by instituting “…
Sabra Listeria recalled for possible hummus contamination
OTTAWA – Sabra Dipping Company is voluntarily recalling several brands of its Listeria products for possibly coming into contact with hummus. The flavours that are being recalled in Canada …
Canada to sign Great Ape Research Ban as soon as we finish the Chimpan-Zed
OTTAWA – Facing pressure from animal rights groups, science Minister Kirsty Duncan announced today that Canada will sign an international ban against scientific experimentation on great ape…
Update: Childhood dog still dead
YOUR HOMETOWN — An urgent press bulletin has confirmed that your beloved childhood pet, the one whose tragic passing you thought you would never recover from, is still “deceased, departed, …
Facebook promises to ban fake news now that real news is absurd enough
Palo Alto – In a conference call with reporters, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg pledged to crack down on the fake news sites that spread political lies during the 2016 U.S. election, now that…
Government announces plan to develop Canadian artists by inflicting tragedy upon them
Miguel Rivas reports on Canada Council for the Arts “innovative” new approach to funding Canadian artists.…
Surgeons successfully separate conjoined pancakes
HAMILTON – After a three hour procedure, surgeons at Hamilton General Hospital have successfully separated two conjoined pancakes. Natalie Gateman, who first delivered the stuck-at-the-seam…
Local woman acting all crazy about how much society gaslights women
TORONTO – After a workplace conversation about the ways in which society teaches women their feelings and experiences aren’t valid, co-workers have concluded local woman Emma Hall is totall…
