PLEASANTVIEW, AB – Tragedy hit a small residential neighbourhood today when the body of one of its residents was found having seemingly drowned in a swimming pool after being unable to find a la...
Process of choosing which movie to watch on Netflix enters third day
Belleville, Ontario – Sources report that local couple Christine Peters and Joshua Cartwright have been scrolling through Netflix, trying to settle on a movie to watch since Friday night. “...
Local time-traveler worried he’s becoming his father
MONTREAL, 1973 – Local scientist Carey Holton says as he grows older and travels more and more through time, he’s concerned that he’s becoming the one thing he said he never would: his father. “...
Grandmother watching Olympic figure skating thinks Virtue and Moir should just fuck already
CALGARY – An 85-year-old grandmother and fan of Olympic ice dancing thinks Canadian Olympic figure skaters Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir should “just fuck already.” Janice Bondar made the announce...
5 indoor exercises that aren’t masturbating
Winter is a tough time for everyone. Your bike is in storage, it’s too cold to go jogging, and you’re not burning enough calories, no matter how frequently you masturbate. If you’re getting bored of y...
Patrick Brown, Doug Ford likely to split all-important asshole vote in Tory leadership race
TORONTO – With the leadership vote mere weeks away, pollsters are reporting that frontrunner Doug Ford and disgraced former leader Patrick Brown are splitting the vote of the PC party’s large as...
Trump insists only way to stop a bad mentally ill guy with a gun is a good mentally ill guy with a gun
Parkland, Florida – While visiting with survivors of the tragic school shooting in Florida, President Trump refused to call for gun control, and instead assured Americans, “the only thing that c...
After unveiling streaming film service Toronto public library now valued at $9.2 billion
TORONTO – Only a month after unveiling their well received streaming film service, the Toronto Public Library has been valued at just under $10,000,000,000.00 “With Netflix, Hulu, Amazon a...
Boss a little too enthusiastic about celebrating office Chinese New Year
LONDON, ON – Wearing a red and gold tie and bowing as his employees came into work, Gerald Turning, 57, a local sales manager at Brenk-Co Plastics was reportedly a tad over enthusiastic about ce...
4 historical re-enactors interpret times of yore at Ontario PC leadership debate
TORONTO – Four Ontario PC leadership candidates brought history alive with their reinterpretation of outdated policies and archaic beliefs entertaining all those who watched. The enthusiasts deb...
