Patrick Brown, Doug Ford likely to split all-important asshole vote in Tory leadership race - The Beaverton

Patrick Brown, Doug Ford likely to split all-important asshole vote in Tory leadership race

TORONTO – With the leadership vote mere weeks away, pollsters are reporting that frontrunner and disgraced former leader are splitting the vote of the PC party’s large asshole demographic.

“Assholes have a tough choice ahead of them,” said a report from polling giant Ipsos-Reid. “Either they can go with a traditional sexual creep in Brown, or the populist grossness of a mid-level drug dealer who will do literally anything to get in power.”

Experts say that the sexual misconduct allegations against Patrick Brown should make him the more attractive candidate for creeps, but his vehement denial of the accusations has led to backlash among the party’s many pervs, backlash that Ford is exploiting.

“It’s really a tough choice between Brown and Ford,” said Lester Pennington, an Ontario PC member and the man who cut you off on the 401. “I really like Ford because he keeps shouting at people, but is he my kind of asshole?”

“Frankly, I prefer Brown, but I’ve been warming up to Ford,” said Becky Khan during her loud conversation in a movie theatre.

With the vote split, the other contenders – some famous guy’s daughter, the Anal Sex Lady, and Christine Elliott – may have a chance at winning the leadership contest.