LONDON, ON – Wearing a red and gold tie and bowing as his employees came into work, Gerald Turning, 57, a local sales manager at Brenk-Co Plastics was reportedly a tad over enthusiastic about celebrating Chinese New Year today, given he has no Asian heritage in a largely non-Chinese office.
Sources say Turning ordered his team of 26 sales representatives Manchu Wok for lunch, and addressed them to mark the celebration.
“Today is a very special day, because it’s now the year of the dog,” he said, skipping over the cue card that read, “but don’t worry, that’s not what’s in the noodles” on the advice of Cathy in HR. “So happy year 4716! Gong Hei Fat Choi everyone!”
“His pronunciation was horrible, but that’s fine, I expect it,” said Sam Chu, who was hired by Turning eight months ago. “But he kept trying to get it and he wouldn’t let me go until I told him he got it right.”
“I ended up just lying so he’d go away.”
Witnesses say Mr. Turning then spent the rest of the afternoon reading aloud from a Chinese horoscope book he purchased. Onlookers were speculating that he must have gone through personnel files to see which year people were born, as he reportedly knew it without having to ask.
“He came by my cubicle and asked me how I was celebrating today, and I told him that I wasn’t doing much because I’m Japanese,” said June Kawasaki, a Senior Sales Rep. “He then told me I was a horse, and I shouldn’t worry if my income experiences ups and downs in the coming months. I’m updating my resume, just in case.”
At press time, Turning had brought his wife and son to the local Mandarin where he was busy filling up on all-you-can-eat chicken balls with sweet and sour sauce.